


Worthless

by reallydontcare4



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, pastel!dan, punk!phil, selfharm, selfhate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:32:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallydontcare4/pseuds/reallydontcare4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pastel!Dan suffers from depression, but is (or was) recovering. His boyfriend, Punk!Phil, helps, but can't always protect him from bullies, let alone his own mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Sorry, I'm new to writing, this is my first fan fiction, phan or otherwise. Pastel and punk are my bread and butter, especially with angst Dan. Sorry if it's bad!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry, I'm new at writing fanfiction, phan or otherwise. Pastel and punk are my bread and butter, especially with angsty Dan!

It was an average day after school. Phil had been chatting with Dan, filled with joy at Dan’s warm chocolate eyes, matched perfectly by his lilac jumper and mint green flower crown. He loved Dan’s dimple, and the happy glint he held in his eyes. It was only just shy of a miracle how he'd overcome the obstacles he faced, and was standing here today.  
Then, suddenly, footsteps and snickering was heard behind them, and the warmth and color drained out of Dan’s face. Phil went to cover him, but suddenly felt his arms being held back. Whipping his head behind him, he saw three of Peter’s gang holding him, tying his tattooed arms behind his back so he was immobilized. Dan watched, helpless and terrified as the boys turned to look at him.  
As Peter neared, Dan’s breath sped up and he began to shake vigorously. Phil immediately recognized the symptoms as a panic attack, and struggled to comfort him.  
“Dan, it’s fine. I’m fine, you’ll be fine. Stay strong. I love you.” He told him.  
Dan gave a faint nod, his eyes fluttering closed as his back hit a locker with a thump. Peter grinned like a little kid at a festival; he loved easy bait.  
“You don’t really believe that, do you? You’re nothing, you couldn’t even stop us from tying him up.” He laughed as Dan flinched at his words. “You’re dirt. Worthless. Say it.”  
Dan leaned back, seemingly trying to melt into the locker. “SAY IT!” Peter screeched, kneeing Dan straight into the stomach. Dan let out a sob as he sunk to the ground.  
“I’m worthless. I’m less than nothing and I wish it weren’t true but it is. Oh my god, it is.” Dan whimpered as he began to curl into himself. It broke Phil’s heart watching the events unfold.  
“Dan, no! Honey, you are worth so much-” Phil was cut off by a swift kick to the groin and a mouth gag.  
Peter squat down, smirking mischievously. “You didn’t really think you could get away with dressing like this, did you, homo? You disgust me.” Another kick to the ribs as Dan let out a weak sob.  
“I wish I could die. I hate myself so much. I’m stupid, ugly, worthless. A burden. Phil… I’m so sorry.” Dan said in a small voice. Phil began to cry. He wished with all his life that he could say something, tell him he was wrong. But he couldn’t. He could only watch, useless.  
Peter, on the other hand, was having a field day. “Yes, a burden. A pathetic burden. You ruin everything you touch. How much did your bitch mother spend on your fucking therapy? Would Phil even be in this situation without you?” Dan shook his head violently, almost smacking it against the ground. “Everyone would be better off if you just… died.” To Phil’s horror, Peter removed a sharp, glistening object from his back pocket. A knife. Dan’s eyes were still screwed shut, so he didn’t realize until the cold blade grazed his arm. He looked to Phil, and almost began to sob again. 'I’m sorry' he mouthed. Phil shook his head, trying to will the tears away; he needed to stay strong for Dan. He tried to break free from his restraints, but was distracted by a moan of pain.  
Peter had pulled up Dan’s sleeve, tracing a deep red line through faded scars. Dan looked away, ashamed at himself, his actions, his scars. Peter, who was pleased with this response, rolled up Dan’s shirt to reveal his tanned torso. Dan attempted to wiggle away, but Peter’s grip remained firmly on him.  
“Ah, I think you’ve been getting a little too happy lately, haven’t you? And you don’t deserve that, do you?” Dan shook his head, his no barely noticeable through his labored breathing. “Let’s clear that right up.” Peter said, tracing something along Dan’s waist.  
“Ah!” Dan gasped in agony as Peter carved words into his stomach.  
“Aha! Perfect.” Peter pulled away, gazing fondly at the wounds as if they were a masterpiece. He moved aside, and Phil read them off. Worthless and Burden were now scratched onto Dan’s once smooth, golden skin. He held back a gag of disgust at Peter, wondering how such a terrible person could exist in the world. Filled with hate and fury, he watched as Peter trailed around them.  
He stopped again, bending behind Dan and holding the knife to his throat. Phil struggled once more as Dan whined and closed his eyes. “I could make you die. That would make everyone happier, make you happier.” He paused. “But, then again, you don’t deserve to be happy, do you?” He straightened himself and gained a smug countenance.  
Peter kicked Dan one last time, before chuckling maliciously as he strode back to his cronies. He stood in front of Phil and smirked. “You might want to get him help quickly, lest he bleed out.” Peter said this too casually, almost as if telling an interesting fact instead of a threat. He started walking away, cutting the ropes that held Phil previously. Phil turned to go after them, but was brought back by a low moan.  
He turned and ran to Dan’s side, assessing the damage done. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Dan whispered weakly, repeating it like a mantra. “I wish I could… die.” He mumbled, as his body fell limp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAN IS NOT DEAD!Sorry, just thought that would be a good way to end it. Thanks for reading, though!


	2. Better than Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with immediate consequences; Dan wakes up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry if it seems rushed. Hope you like it!

Phil paced around the cool hospital room, his mind running a million miles an hour. It had been a day since the incident, but Dan had yet to wake up. The doctors had estimated that he would come to today, and Phil felt more impatient than ever.  
He had no idea how he would face Dan after failing so miserably to protect him, yet the overwhelming relief of knowing he would be alright continuously calmed his nerves.  
As he chewed his lip anxiously, he heard stirring, followed by a low groan. He rushed to the bed, a smile escaping as he saw his boyfriend’s beautiful (if not dazed) brown eyes.  
“Ph-Phil?” Dan murmured weakly. “What… what happened?”  
“Peter and his gang of dicks attacked you.” Phil smiled sadly. “But you’re okay. You’re okay, and we’re going to be fine.”  
Dan shuffled a bit in an attempt to sit up, immediately grimacing and sliding back down. He took a pained breath, his hand clutching at his abdomen. He winced as his hand felt his scars, and he peeked under the thin blanket. His eyes shut closed and his mouth formed a tight line. Phil sighed, searching for the right words to say.  
“Dan, I love you. You’re the most amazing, kindhearted person I’ve ever met. You’re worth more than the world to me.” He said, speaking more heartfelt words than the punk had ever really had before.  
“I know.” Dan’s voice was tired, a layer of sadness hidden behind it. Phil could tell Dan didn’t believe him, but didn’t have the courage nor the words to push it.  
After chatting a tad more, they began towards the cafeteria. Phil had texted PJ and Chris to meet them there, and he’d been in a good mood since seeing Dan’s familiar smile. It felt almost like an accomplishment when he’d made him laugh again, joking about stupid little things here and there.  
When they stepped in, Phil quickly spotted their friends’ table in the corner. “-And that’s why the cafeteria would be the least interesting place in a TV show.” Chris had been saying.  
“No, but then where would the mean girls trip the poor main character?” PJ replied with a smirk as he turned to Dan and Phil.  
“Plus, who knows what kind of crimes go on in there!” Phil added playfully.  
“Yes, because we all know evil masterminds love to hide in mess halls.” Dan joined in sarcastically.  
“Good to see you’re back to your usual self.” Chris raised an eyebrow at him.  
“Yeah. Good.” Dan said, his face falling lightly.  
They talked for a while, eating lunch until they couldn’t even pretend to be hungry. Each of them had noticed Dan being more distant in the conversation than usual. However, none mentioned it, either chalking it up to being worn out, or simply being too scared to say anything.  
Alas, eventually, Dan had to return to his room, limping on his rigid crutches. They each departed with friendly goodbyes and sorrowful smiles. Well, tomorrow would be a new day.

DAN’S POV  
I shot through the shady forest, pain forgotten as I willed my legs to go faster. I stopped, heaving as I desperately looked around myself. Trees. Why did it always have to be dark trees? I held my pounding head, trying to gather my scattered thoughts. I stumbled back onto a tree, sliding down it subsequently. Out of all this, one thing was clear.  
I was alone. I had no one to go to, no one to care. And it was all my fault. Finally, I had to face what all my life I had been terrified of. The inevitable. Of course everyone had left me. I would leave me if I could. A single, dark thought drifted through my head, but I pushed it aside. Stay strong. Isn’t that what Phil had always told me?  
Phil. Perfect Phil. Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, funny. He was a masterpiece in and of himself. I had no idea how I had gotten him for the time I had. He was so amazing, and I ruined him. I ruined everything, didn’t I? I chuckled mirthlessly. I was like the opposite of King Midas. Everything I touched turned to shit.  
A distinct rustling sound snapped me back into my reality. It had come from behind the tree I currently leaned on, and I froze in anticipation. A deer in the headlights.  
“Well, well. It’s about time we’ve come to this. You’ve backed yourself into a corner. Now stand up and do what you never could. Look me in the eyes and prove yourself.” It sneered.  
I screwed my eyes shut, willing it all away. Suddenly, I felt hands on my collar, forcing me upwards. With a gasp, I met the eyes of the worst thing I’d ever seen. The thing that had haunted me all my life. Disgusting, appalling, I looked up and saw my worst nightmare.  
Myself.

I woke up with a start, immediately sitting up in bed. Swallowing thickly, I groaned and looked around. Still in the hospital. Checking the time, I realized I’d slept in until 11:53 am. Phil was due to pick me up at noon.  
Hobbling to the bathroom, I lazily turned on the light and stared into the mirror. I looked horrid. Bags were heavy under my plain dirt eyes. My muddy hair had curled, and I hadn’t received my straightener yet. I slipped off the hospital gown, looking on with hate at my reflection.  
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I was branded with those words. Worthless and Burden littered my skin, reminding me of what I’d tried to forget.  
Shaking my head as if to rid myself of these thoughts, I turned to the clothes my parents had brought, and the items Phil had secretly bought. My parents had brought me baggy jeans and a dull grey T-shirt, but Phil knew I’d be more comfortable in my lilac jumper and white skinny jeans. He had washed my jumper for me, and even bought me a new flower crown, one made of delicate pink roses with beautiful green stems. I smiled softly as I slipped on Phil’s outfit, closing my eyes. This way, I could pretend I was someone else.  
“Can I come in?” Phil’s voice rang out through the door.  
I hurried over and let him in, chuckling silently at his excited demeanor.  
“Hey! How are you today?” He asked, his worry thinly veiled by a smirk.  
I put on my best grin and hoped to god he wouldn’t see through it.  
“Better than ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Poor Dan. He should probably seek help. I feel bad, I just like to see pastel suffering.


	3. Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is released from the hospital, and it seems like a happy occasion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, wrote this one without much sleep. Hope you like it!

Both Dan and Phil had shared a relatively light afternoon after that, temporarily ignoring the glooming cloud hanging above them.   
A few days later, Dan was checked out of the hospital, a great occasion so it seemed. However, not everyone saw it quite like that. After spending time in the hospital, Dan had come to dread the return to his house. His parents hadn’t always been the most understanding, and he no longer had a roommate to talk to when he couldn’t sleep.  
Phil was fairly relieved, and yet a faint unease resided in him. Now that Dan was not under constant care and watch of medical professionals, he worried what Dan might do.   
After Dan had settled back into his house, Phil, PJ, and Chris all came round to celebrate. Much to Mr. and Mrs. Howell’s dismay, they stayed up watching Forrest Gump and the like until not a single one could keep awake.

DAN’S POV  
After I arrived home, I was greeted by my three best- only, really- friends. I felt absolutely horrible most of the time. I felt like I couldn’t concentrate, and I was probably being very ungrateful.  
Later on, we all settle down with some chips and a movie. Surprisingly, our discussions turned to Ferris Buehler (which PJ has apparently never seen), and we ended up watching that.  
Zoning out constantly became an issue for me throughout. Not that the movie was bad, I’d seen it loads of times. It’s just, I had other things on my mind.  
Oh, there I go again, always thinking about me. How could I possibly be worried about myself when I’ve a room full of guests? Honestly, I get more shocked each day that my friends even still bother with me. At this point, I’ve become more of a-  
“Burden! That’s what we should watch next!” Chris’s enthusiastic tone broke me out of my temporary stupor.  
“What? I’ve never even heard of that.” PJ said, furrowing his brow.  
“It’s a 2009 movie about aliens invading the Earth, and a lone hero fighting them.” Chris said, apparently rooting for it.  
“Dan, what do you think?” Phil turned to me, curiosity etched onto his face.  
“Er- well, I…” I stuttered as I shook my head, offering a small smile in return, “I’m fine with anything, really.”  
Phil eyed me strangely after that, but eventually gave it up. I sighed, releasing the breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding.  
Later that night, we’d all camped out in the living room in front of the TV. I was lucky enough to snatch the couch first, and could barely beat Chris off with a stick when he realized. Everyone had gone to sleep at around half past 2. Or, almost everyone. Tossing and turning on the cushions, I readjusted my pillow for what must have been the tenth time. Checking my phone again, I felt a brick fall in my stomach as I realized only a matter of minutes had passed since I’d last checked.  
And so there I lay, god knows how long, chewing the inside of my mouth until the darkness finally overcame me.

PHIL’S POV  
My eyes flickered open only to be shut rather quickly. The blinds had been opened, and they hit right where I sat. Heaving a sigh, I dragged myself up and turned to my still unconscious friends. Chris and PJ had curled up on the floor together, both trying to hog the blankets. Dan had taken the sofa, looking quite victorious as he did so.  
I leant in a little, and took the time to admire my boyfriend’s face. His soft chocolate hair had curled in all the right places, framing his tanned skin perfectly. It was all pulled together by his smooth face and rosy pink lips.  
I bit my lip, restraining myself from kissing him there. I figured I would make them all a breakfast to wake up to.  
Unfortunately, like everyone who’s ever met me would tell you, I was never very talented in cooking. Still, I stood there at the stove, carefully attempting to flip a pancake before it folded on itself. Now that its other side was cooking, I could take this time to think, right?  
I was truly worried about Dan. He obviously seemed distracted last night, and he’s just seemed more irritable and detached lately. If I’m being honest with myself, I think… well, I think his depression is making a reappearance. I can only wonder how long ago it resurfaced.  
In all my fretting, I hadn’t noticed the smoke coming from the burnt breakfast, not until the fire alarm did its job, at least.  
“PHIL!” Dan rushed into the kitchen, followed closely by Chris and PJ.  
Embarrassed, I rushed to turn off the stove and present the pancakes I’d already made. In spite of this, we ended up eating Poptarts. I also gave Dan a grateful smile as he teasingly glared at me, throwing his favorite cereal box at me.  
\------------------  
Later that night, I settled into bed, ready to relax. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and drifted off into a quiet sleep.

My eyes shot open, and I found myself on the roof of the school. I looked around, puzzled at what had happened. All that immediately fell out of my thoughts as my eyes landed on something that scared me more than anything.   
Dan stood at the edge, calmly looking over it. “Phil. I didn’t think you’d make it.”  
I neared slowly, ever cautious of what I may be witnessing. “Dan? What, uh… what are you doing?”  
“What should have been done a while ago.” Dan stated in a sickeningly monotone voice as he pivoted where he stood to face me. He stretched out an arm to me, and I took this as an opportunity.  
“DAN!” I lunged forward, hoping to grasp his arm and pull him to safety. I missed by millimeters.  
“It’s okay, Phil.” Dan said, slowly beginning to fall back. “I’m finally going to fly.”


	4. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the chapter! Happy New Year!

Phil awoke with a gasp, a sob escaping his lips as he remembered his dream. He took a deep breath, wiping his eyes as he shuffled into a seated position.  
Dan. His dream kept haunting his thoughts like a malicious ghost. It was impossible to sleep when he couldn’t ensure his safety. It must have been at least 50 times that he reached for his phone, his hand quickly retracting at the last second as if he had been burnt.  
He wanted so badly to talk to Dan, to make sure he was okay and to say that everything was fine. At this point, though, he doubted that it was.  
He wanted- no, needed- to help Dan, but he’s learned from his past mistakes. If he pushed Dan head-on and approached him, he’d only blame himself and feel as if he were a burden.  
It was almost frustrating, feeling all these things and not really being able to express them to the person he’s feeling them for, let alone those feelings be believed.  
He couldn’t talk to Dan now, if not for the fact that he couldn’t press too hard, but for the time itself. Phil sat there for hours, until he thought the time was reasonable enough. At around 7 am, he grabbed his phone and took a moment to consider the options.  
Dan would probably be asleep, so texting him would refrain from waking him up. However, Phil needed to hear his posh voice, which always relaxed him. ‘Then there’s the other option that you’re overreacting and obsessing over nothing. If he’s fine, why bother him?’ a small voice in his brain reasoned.  
“If he’s not, then I have to. It’s a risk I’m not willing to take. I’m calling so SHUT UP.” He retorted tensely.  
“Phil, who’re you talking to?” His mum asked from the hall. It took Phil by quite the surprise; he hadn’t even realized he’d spoken aloud.  
“Oh- uh…no one, it’s fine! Sorry!” He replied in a bright voice. Closing his eyes, he breathed in and clicked call.

DAN’S POV  
Another day, another fight. Then again, if it’s against myself, I always win, don’t I? ‘You always lose, too.’ A cynical voice mocked my thoughts. I wandered into the bathroom again, unwilling to look up. I knew what lay there. Tucked behind the drawer, taunting me. If I took it out, just this once… it wouldn’t be so terrible, right? I wouldn’t let it get as far as it did before. I’d have a stronger self-control. My arms burned as my hand drifted forward, my mind in a trance-like state.  
No. I was fine. Fine. Everything was fine, always fine. Why wouldn’t I be? Fine, fine, fine. Was it even a word anymore? My breathing hitched as my hand flew up to pull at my hair. My chest ached and my heart pounded harder than I’d ever heard it. Maybe if it beat hard enough, it’d break itself. In a way, it already did. My eyes closed and my fists clenched and unclenched, pulling and scratching.  
I have to stop. I was fine. I had to be fine. Why wasn’t I fine? My vision blurred as I stumbled back. Thoughts flooded my mind, voices everywhere. No matter where I turned, taunting, screaming, worthless, burden, fat, ugly, stupid, fine. Fine. “FINE!” I shrieked, my body shaking like a leaf in the wind, ready to snap.  
My mother walked in, a scowl on her face. “Dan, what’s all that noise? You know I’m trying to work.”  
I plastered a smile on my face. It felt fake, not that she’d notice. “Sorry, got angry at my alarm clock!” I joked half-heartedly. “I’m…uh… I’m fine.”  
“Good. Now you’d better shut it if you know what’s good for you. We work so hard each day, we don’t need you bugging us all the time.”  
“Yes, mum.” I replied, straightening my back. She left just as my phone began to ring.  
“Hello?” I asked, cursing myself for forgetting to see the caller ID.  
“Dan! Sorry, I know it’s early. Just wondered if you wanted to hang out today?” Phil’s voice sounded in my ear, and I felt a little safer. Of course it’s Phil, who else?  
“It’s fine. Couldn’t sleep very well anyways. I’ve been up for a while.” I cringed, realizing my mistake.  
Silence on Phil’s end. Did he catch on? Oh god, is he freaked out? Both yes and no, apparently.  
He finally responded in a breezy voice. “Oh? Why’s that? If you don’t mind me asking.”  
“I just got a new mattress. I didn’t have the heart to tell my mom it was uncomfortable. It’s good, though. I slept.” I lied, hoping it came across as smooth.  
“Ah. Cool. So, do you want to come over, later? Mario cart and chips await you.” He asked again, perhaps a little gentler than before.  
“Sure, of course. I’d love to! Be there at noon?”  
“Sounds great, thanks!”  
“See you then, bye!” I hung up hastily, turning where I stood to enter back into the bathroom.  
I looked in the mirror and winced. Oh well. At least I had my straightener today.  
A few hours later, I found myself in front of Phil’s door. Deep breaths. I lifted a finger to hit the doorbell. Phil answered the door almost immediately. I should have known. Smiling a little at that, I stepped inside.  
Phil’s smile grew tenfold when he saw mine, and I saw him visibly relax. For a fleeting moment, I wondered why he hadn’t been relaxed before.  
“Oh! How rude of me. I forgot to ask on the phone, how are you?” He asked, a cautious edge to his voice.  
“Ah. I’m…” I hesitated, my smile faltering.  
“Fine.”


	5. Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's getting tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've been a bit busy what with school starting again, sorry!

A week passed much like the days before it. Dan was ‘fine’, and Phil pretended not to notice. It was hard for both of them, yet for opposite reasons. Dan suffered in silence so as not to be a burden, and Phil suffered because Dan felt like one.  
They saw each other fairly often, not differing from their usual schedules. And yet, the days felt longer, the visits too short or long. Things were clearly different, however neither could quite grasp a solution.  
  
PHIL’S POV  
I woke up, drawing in a breath as my eyes stared unblinkingly at my plain white ceiling. Leaning over with a groan, I checked my phone. Sometimes, waking up is the worst part of falling asleep. I’d slept in, but it felt like I never went to sleep in the first place.  
Well, time to start my daily routine. Wake up, text Dan, act normal. Unlocking my iPhone, I opened my texts. Oh. For the first time in a while, Dan’s already texted me first. I can’t help but grin, a small snort of disbelief. Dan was lazy enough that he procrastinated answering messages, let alone start a conversation. Dan often complained of it, addressing it as a dilemma that was just there, a part of him. Which it was, in a way. I smiled fondly at the memory of Dan’s last rant.  
Ah yes, the text. Dan had messaged me ‘Morning! Movie marathon tonight?’ Maybe everything was okay. Dan didn’t really initiate hang-outs or dates anymore, since the incident. Maybe it was better? Or maybe I did imagine everything. Or… maybe Dan was just improving his mask.  
Later that day, I opened the door to see Dan standing there. Honestly, it took my breath away how beautiful he looked. He donned a pastel pink sweater with the white collar of his undershirt showing. It was adorably long enough to cover Dan’s hands as sweater paws, and on his head lay a delicate orange flower crown.  
“You look… amazing. Wow.” I said, gazing into his cinnamon eyes. He smiled shyly, and I swore I was falling in love all over again.  
“Thanks. You look good, too.” He looked over my leather jacket and midnight blue combat boots and smirked. “Really good.”  
The day had gone surprisingly well, and, as per usual, we ended up snuggling on the couch with ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ playing. I still had a nagging feeling that I was missing something. He was hiding something from me, but I just didn’t know what. I had to check on him, but without his picking up on it.  
I did the best thing I could think of at the moment. I tried to be sneaky about it. First test, I decided, would simply be spying on him from the corner of my eyes to see if he was paying attention, or perhaps deduce how he felt. At first look, I thought he was watching the movie, but I realized I seemed to be mistaken on that. His eyes remained lock on the television, dead center, but they never moved. Surprisingly (and slightly impressively), he didn’t appear to blink for fairly long amounts of time.  
He also had a small frown etched into his face, apparently thinking about something. Suddenly, my eyes widened as his began to drift to the side. He stared at me as he realized I’d caught him, and it may have been my imagination, but multiple emotions rushed past his face all at once. At first I saw confusion, then panic, followed by pained and analytical. They all ended with a twitch of the lips, and, to my discontent, his usual fake smile.  
I loved Dan, but I had come to hate that smile. You could tell it was there when he smiled with a closed mouth, and a certain look in his eyes. I could never put a finger on it, but the closest I have is a sort of pain, or fear.  
“See anything you like?” Dan said while pausing the movie, his teasing tone sounding in the now otherwise silent house.  
“Sorry, zoned out there for a minute.” I lied, playing his game and putting on a smile similar to his.  
“Well, I’d better go. School starts in a few days, and I need to prepare myself to sleep in my own bed at normal times.” Dan stood up and headed to the door.  
Before he left, he pecked me on the lips and told me “I love you.”  
“I love you, too. Do you have everything? Are you good?”  
To my surprise, he seemed to hesitate, then replied “Yep. Fine. Bye.”  
As soon as the door closed, my grin slid off of my face. Did he really think I couldn’t see through his façade? He doesn’t deserve this. He’s only 17, his whole life is ahead of him. Yet he hates school, and every day his self-esteem seems to get lower.  
He’s tall and smart, beautiful and kind. Whenever anyone’s down, he always tries his best to help. I just can’t wrap my head around it. How can someone so perfect feel so insecure about themselves, about life? Enough to scar himself with cuts and such, while tearing himself apart mentally? How does someone who’s so loving towards everyone hate his own guts?  
There was so much to say, so much to do. ‘I love you, I need you, you’re perfect to me.’ To show Dan I loved him, to make Dan love himself. But no. I couldn’t say any of these things. It was so frustrating, this stupid waiting game. Waiting for someone else to say it, or waiting for Dan to break. It was ridiculous, and I wasn’t sure I could keep it up.  
How am I supposed to watch as my boyfriend self-destructs? How am I supposed to hear him if he never tells me? He’s hiding behind his smile, and somehow everyone believes him. He needs to drop this broken armor he’s built for himself. I want him to feel safe and happy. I want to help, but he just wouldn’t believe me, even if I told him. He was so stubborn, so sure he couldn’t tell me. Didn’t he trust me? I felt bad, but I was boiling over.  
I was at my breaking point. I can’t handle more. I need to help him. Need to know he’s okay.  
I need to be his armor.


	6. Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you really don't want to interact with people today. At least I can watch star wars.

Dan hadn’t talked much to Phil after their movie marathon. It had only been two days, yet Phil was worried.  
Dan said that he’d just procrastinated his homework over winter break, which was understandable. Still, Phil didn’t know what to think. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if it were anyone randomly zoning out once in a while, but now was different. What with Dan’s past, and simply the frequency of it.  
The thing that baffled Phil was Dan’s reaction. His immediate panic and confusion to Phil’s gaze. What had he been thinking about? Why did he leave directly afterwards? Why was he ignoring Phil?  
So many questions circled Phil’s mind, but it felt like no answer awaited them. He was getting so frustrated, angry that he couldn’t say how he felt. Dan needed to hear them, but he wouldn’t listen. He loved him more than anything, but he didn’t know what to do. 

DAN’S POV  
I sat there, staring blankly at the computer screen. I started the essay an hour ago, but the document was blank. Watching the little bar appear and disappear, flickering in and out.  
Tomorrow was the first day back to school, and yet I wasn’t prepared. Not only have I been stupid enough to wait until now to work, but I didn’t think I could handle school itself. People asking, talking, taunting. People hated me there. Some tried to hide it, but I knew. It’s okay though. I hate me, too. And all through, I would have that senseless smile plastered on my face. Chipping away at what’s left of me. Laughing, joking through the internal screaming. I’d always been a good actor, anyways.  
I can’t do it. I give up. Standing up from the desk, I sigh. What’s the point anyways? Let me just die in my bed. I lay myself onto the bed, my hand finding its way onto my stomach, tracing my scars. They were right. I couldn’t even fight it anymore. I was turning into something else. Useless, sad. Worthless, burden. Maybe I’ve always been like this. I wish I could open up. Spill all my secrets out, rushing through like an ocean of thoughts. But I didn’t want to drown.  
My thoughts were interrupted by a ping. My phone lit up as I reached for it, and I saw another text from Phil.  
‘Wanna come over today?’ No. I couldn’t see people today. It’s not just that I don’t want to. I can’t. I can’t spend the day analyzing every little move, planning every word. Hearing the daily chant of ‘stupid, stupid, shut up, SHUT UP’ playing along in my head. I can’t handle it. I feel like I’m going to break. I need to be alone. I need to come up with something.  
‘Can’t, bio essay. Sorry.’ I replied. Not entirely false. I hoped I kept it short enough as to not spark more conversation. I fell back onto my bed, and took a breath. I felt my chest grow heavy, and I began to cry. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I did. I don’t know how long I sat there, sobbing. I guess however long I needed to. Suddenly, I heard my mom’s voice approaching, and I rushed to wipe my face and stand.  
“Daniel, I-” Her voice was cut off as she entered, and her face darkened. “What the fuck is this?”  
“Mom…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish it, but she continued for me.  
“What the fuck is this?! We spent so much for your therapy to get better. You’d better be fucking better! Why do you do this to us, make such a big deal out of it? Do we not do enough for you?”  
I opened my mouth to speak, only to be sharply slapped across my cheek. In my shock, I stumbled back, tripping over my own feet.  
“Ungrateful piece of shit.” She spat at me, before walking out.  
My breath was heavy and my chest pounded once more. My eyes shut closed as I began to shake. I pulled myself upwards and into the bathroom, where I stared at my reflection.  
‘Ugly. Stupid. Worthless. Why don’t you just die?’ I heard Peter’s voice in my head repeating it. ‘Everyone would be happier if you just died.’ I was so selfish, living like this. Demanding help, ignoring my friends. I was a burden to those close to me. My parents, my friends, Phil. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hated me now. He must have caught on. I was too irresponsible with my behavior. I couldn’t hide it anymore. Would it be better for him? He’s such a nice, beautiful, amazing person. He could easily have someone else. Someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who wasn’t me. He was probably only with me out of pity. Out of the kindness of his heart. Why not? String the fucked up pastel boy along just to make him feel better.  
No. I didn’t have to do anything too rash. I just needed a distraction. Without even realizing it, my hand had slipped behind the drawer, grasping the solution. I pulled it out, staring at it with a weird mix of relief and guilt. I couldn’t do this again. Yet I had to. I bit my lip as the blade ran across my bare wrists.  
My eyes closed as I felt relief and adrenaline push through the muddled mess of thoughts in my head. A few more cuts, drawing a picture on myself. Making my skin into art. I hadn’t cut that much, and I knew where to cut so as not to do that much damage to myself. It worked all the same.  
I took deep breaths as I felt red warmth trickle down my arms. Calm down. I just needed to calm down.  
And then the door opened.


	7. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil freaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's entirely Phil's POV, and takes place during the last one, not after.

PHIL’S POV  
I drummed my fingers on the table nervously. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. The moments kept replaying in my head, trying to pinpoint exactly what went wrong. Should he not have come over? Should I have ignored my concern? Was he okay? I had no idea.  
Strangely enough, though, I wasn’t sure I really regretted it. Dan was avoiding me, but at least I finally had a confirmation for my suspicions. Something was definitely happening, and this made me feel sure of it. Checking off the events and Dan’s recent behavior, I had to face it. His depression was making a reappearance. It had to be, that was the only valid explanation.  
He wasn’t responding, so I just hope he hadn’t done anything reckless. The depression could mess with his reasoning, his will to live. At the moment, there wasn’t really much for me to do.  
For the past few days, I’ve just been reading random things off my shelf and constantly checking my homework. My recent activities were all topped off with my new unhealthy habit of obsessively checking my phone for texts or responses from Dan.  
I moved to my computer, halfheartedly skimming my history essay on the Malthusian Theory of Population. How much longer would I keep this up? I guess I could approach him tomorrow. It was the first day back to school after winter break, and we shared too many classes for him to get away easily. I’ll try then, but I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t show up.  
I’ve got to get my mind elsewhere. I have other friends. Friends who respond to my texts. Friends who I can help.  
An hour later, Chris and PJ had arrived at my house. We all settled in and chatted for a while, since we hadn’t seen each other since the sleepover at Dan’s.  
“As the sarcastic bastard of the group, I would absolutely be the Chandler here out of all of us.” Chris said, trying to reasonably finish his point.  
“Speaking of sarcastic quips, where is Dan?” PJ turned to me with a searching look. “Is he not coming?” He wasn’t trying to be rude, it’s just that, admittedly, Dan did always join us. It was the fantastic foursome, not the terrific trio.  
“Erm- He told me he left all his schoolwork until the last second- typical Dan- but I can text him to double check.”  
With a quick nod from both Chris and PJ, I turned away to compose my text. Of course, Dan was my boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to worry so much while writing this. It’s just, it seems we’ve been drifting apart. I wanted to get this right.  
Not too casual, not too formal. ‘Sup, dude? Let’s hang and stuff.’ No, that sounds stupid. ‘Hello, friend. Would you care to pay a visit to my humble abode?’ Come on, Phil. This is Dan we’re talking about. Just be you, it’ll be fine.  
‘Wanna come over today?’ I hesitated before clicking send, then bit my lip and turned back to my other friends. I sent them a quick smile of reassurance, and the conversation continued. In a few minutes, we were interrupted by the soft beep of a notification.  
I unlocked my phone and checked the message warily. Dan had responded with a terse ‘Can’t, bio essay. Sorry.’ Bullshit. He’s been ‘working’ on that essay for days now. He just doesn’t want to see me. He doesn’t do anything anymore. He wasn’t okay and we both knew it. It was just a race to who would say it first.  
I was brought back to reality by someone clearing their throat. I turned around to an expectant “Well?”  
“Like I said, homework.” I shrugged, trying to keep it vague. They seemed to buy it better than I did, or at least handle it better.  
PJ frowned a bit, then continued on. After about an hour, Chris and PJ left together, promising to see me tomorrow.  
I closed the door, and stared at the floor. I still couldn’t get my pastel boy out of my head. What if I surprised him at his house? If he’s been doing homework all this time like he said he has, surely he needs a break?  
With my mind made up, I turned and started down the street. Luckily, we lived on adjacent streets, so it wouldn’t take long to get to him. I just wondered what I would find when I got there. I feel so bad, I just want to help him. But all of this has been stressing me out.  
I turned in his driveway, and knocked on his door. His mother answered it, looking irritated. She gave me a single glance of disgust before turning and walking off, leaving the door open. I walked in, and went up to his room. He didn’t seem to be in there, so I wandered over to his bathroom and stopped to listen. I didn’t hear much except what sounded faintly like deep breaths.  
I’d made my choice. And then I opened the door. And then I broke.  
Sitting on the floor in front of me, leaning against the wall, was Dan. His hands went to cover his arms, but it was too late. I’d seen it. He scrambled up, eyes wide with terror.  
“No…” the word fell softly out of my mouth.  
“Phil-” Dan started, but I didn’t let him.  
“NO. I love you, and I miss you, and oh my god do I want to help you! You are the most amazing person I know and you do this to yourself. You hate yourself no matter what I say! Beautiful, funny, kind, smart. You are all these things and I’ve wanted to explain them to you for weeks! I’m sick of this! I’m sick of walking oh-so-delicately across thin wires! It does nothing but break me. I keep trying to help, try to do what you want me to do. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I love you! But you never tell me anything. You’ve never told me anything! Don’t you trust me? I keep trying to tell you but you won’t fucking believe me! Why won’t you FUCKING BELIEVE ME?!” I shrieked, my whole body tensing as my thoughts came rushing out, flooding the room and leaving us with empty silence.  
I looked up, and immediately regretted everything. Dan’s eyes were filled with pain. They were filled with pain, and fear, and realization. He opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it just as quickly. He ducked his head and darted past me, a single murmur escaping his lips.  
“I’m sorry.”


	8. Rash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day back to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update sooner! I got a little caught up yesterday! Hope you like it!

DAN’S POV  
I panted hard as I rushed out the house, trembling. I opened the front door and looked around. I had nowhere to go, but I would be damned if I stayed here.  
My mind was swarming yet no thought came through clearly. I ran down the steps and ducked into the woods nearby. After I’d gotten significantly far in, I stopped and froze.  
All of a sudden, the past few minutes sunk in. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. This was it. I had made the biggest mistake of my stupid motherfucking life. I held the towel I had (thankfully) grabbed in a panic when Phil saw me, and pressed it to my still bleeding wrists. In an attempt to catch my breath, I slid down a nearby tree and inhaled deeply.  
Huh. This seemed weirdly familiar. My dream. It was my dream- no, my nightmare- all over again. Surrounded by trees, out of breath, and all alone. I’d heard Phil loud and clear. I made too many mistakes and not even Phil could handle it. I couldn’t blame him. Oh god. At least it wasn’t dark.  
“DAN!” The voice cut through the silence like a butcher knife.  
It was Phil. I held my breath and closed my eyes in a naïve attempt of the ‘I don’t see you, you can’t see me’ rule that I followed as a child. It was too late anyways.

PHIL’s POV  
I stood in the doorway of Dan’s bathroom in shock. There he was, in need of my help, and I yelled at him. I fucking yelled at him. I need to explain everything. Can I explain everything?  
My eyes focused again, and a single thought became clear. I need to find him. Where could he have gone? As I ran out, my search roamed frantically. The street was empty. How was that possible?  
“DAN!” I yell desperately. I stopped to listen, yet no sound met my ears. Oh god. My hand shot up to grab at my head and I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood.  
I started running. I didn’t even see where. I just ran, calling Dan’s name as loudly as I could.  
An hour later, I walked dejectedly into my house. I couldn’t believe it. I had messed everything up, and now I’ve lost Dan. Oh god.  
\----------------  
The next day, I stumble into school half-heartedly. Dan probably wasn’t going to show up today. I had no idea what I was going to do.  
I looked up to see PJ running up to me.  
“Hey! Did you see Dan? I don’t… think he’s okay.” He said, concern wrinkling his face.  
My head shot up. “Dan? What happened?”  
“Nothing, he just isn’t himself. Like, at all.”  
I hurried into the school and looked around. I spotted Dan at the end of the corridor, but I could barely recognize him. He wore baggy jeans and a dark grey T-shirt, and moved sluggishly through the halls. I tried to get to him, but too many people surrounded me, and he was too far away.  
The rest of the day, Dan was on my mind. He was obviously not okay, and what happened yesterday affected him a lot. He just wasn’t himself anymore. He’d lost his sense of self. He hadn’t even straightened his hair, let alone wear a flower crown.  
Finally, I spotted him as I was headed to fifth period. Peter was behind him, hurrying to catch up. My eyes widened as my pace quickened, but Dan showed no response as Peter shoved him. Peter, of course surprised at this, pushed him some more.  
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue? Say something, you stupid piece of shit.”  
Even from where I stood, I saw Dan smirk grimly. “Tell me something I don’t know.”  
Dan reached the class door, and as he did I stopped in front of him. I saw a flash of pain flicker behind Dan’s eyes, followed by a numb, empty look. With that, he turned and entered the classroom.  
“Dan…” I said softly, reaching out to grab his arm.  
“No.” Dan stopped abruptly, flinching away. “Don’t… don’t touch me.”  
His voice got quieter. “Please.”

DAN’S POV  
As I woke up in the morning, I sighed. I felt hollow, my mind dismal yet blank. I heaved myself up and made it over to my closet. I couldn’t even stand to look. Reminders of who I am. Who I shouldn’t be.  
Filled with hate, I finally understood Peter was right. And yet, in a way, I still loved those pastels. They were who I was. That made me hate them more. I changed into the clothes my parents had left me in the hospital and started off to school.  
I had barely entered the property when PJ approached me.  
“Hey, Dan… what’s with the new look? You look great, I’m just kind of taken aback here.”  
I didn’t have the energy to respond, so I shrugged my shoulders and kept walking. I spent the rest of the day walking through on automatic, feeling numb. Right before fifth, I heard shuffling behind me.  
Peter shoved me, causing me to trip forward a few steps. What was the point? I kept walking.  
Peter kept shoving me, increasing in irritation. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue? Say something, you stupid piece of shit.”  
That last part felt like the only one that got through to me. I smirked sadly. “Tell me something I don’t know.”  
As I approached the door, Phil stood there, staring at me. My stomach lurched as my eyes met his perfect blue ones. But it was too late. He didn’t care, and neither did I. I turned to enter the class, and suddenly felt him grab my arm.  
“Dan…”  
“No.” I blurted out, flinching away. My arm felt like it was burned, and I screwed my eyes shut.  
“Don’t… don’t touch me.” My voice got slowly quieter. “Please.”  
I got to my seat before I saw Phil’s reaction. Honestly, I couldn’t handle it.  
At the end of the day, I rushed out the gate and struggled to remain calm.  
“Dan, stop!” God damnit. I sped up as I fought back tears.  
“Dan!” I turned into my house and slammed the door. The prospect of spending more days like this made me dizzy, and I leaned on the door to stabilize myself. This was it.  
It was time to be rash.


	9. Oh God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's POV after school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm going to warn you now, lots of swearing at the end. Just the f word, still there. Just wanted to warn you in case you didn't want to read that. Sorry, hope you like it!

PHIL’S POV  
“Dan, stop!” I heaved as I jogged towards Dan. He started to speed up as we neared his house.  
“Dan!” I saw his fists clench and he rapidly turned into his driveway. I tried to speed up, but his door slammed long before I got there. I rested my hands on my knees, closing my eyes and mulling over the past day.   
Dan. What had happened? Okay, no. That was a stupid question. What happened? Peter, and depression, and shitty parents. And me. Oh god. I open my eyes and lean back, staring up into the sky.  
No point in standing here, I guess. Better start getting home. I played with my hands and I began my small trek to my house. One step after the other. Left, right, left, right. Breathe in and out.  
Great Job, Phil. You get something as beautiful and perfect as Dan, and you ruin it. AHHH. I just can’t stop replaying yesterday in my head. Every move, every thought, every word. I’d say where did I go wrong, but where didn’t I?  
Finally, I reach my house and open the door. My mom looks over and smiles.  
“How are you? How was school?”  
I give a light shrug. “Fine.”  
Heading straight into my room, my shoulders feel heavier every second. As soon as I make it through the door, I collapse onto my bed. At the sound of a soft ping, I sit up. It takes a second ping for me to realize it’s my phone. Dan?  
I fumble to find it. A text message from Chris. Scratch that, two.  
‘Hey! PJ told me about today.’ Then, a minute later, ‘Is Dan… okay?’  
I give a breathy scoff. ‘Okay’ was the overstatement of the year. It was way worse. How was I supposed to respond to this? Do I tell him the truth? I can’t, right? Dan probably wouldn’t want me to.   
But I can’t bring myself to lie. I need to respond somehow. Plus, everyone who went to our school knew Dan wasn’t okay. Pressing my lips together, I type out a quick response.  
‘I don’t think so.’ I tried to be slightly evasive, while still alerting him. Can one text do that? Why am I always overthinking things?  
I tap my foot and wait a few moments, but Chris never responds. I set my phone aside for a minute, before its right back in my hands.  
Okay. I should text Dan. I need to text Dan. I’m really not sure he’s okay. A sinking feeling in my stomach kept telling me something really bad was about to happen, but I tried to ignore it. He’s fine. Why wouldn’t he be? Oh god. That blatant lie didn’t even come close to calming me down, because of course he fucking wasn’t.  
I put my phone down, but my grasp was still tight on the device. Should I text him? Or does he need some space? Am I obsessing? ‘Yes, but for a good cause.’ My brain replied to only the last one, making me groan in frustration.  
That’s it. My hands moved in front of me and I stared at the screen. My fingers flew across it, sending two messages before I could decide what I had wanted to say.  
Looking at my side, I felt happy at the last one.  
‘Dan, honey? Are you ok?’  
‘I love you so much’  
I held my breath, while I felt a little bit stupid, because why would he respond? Then, a ping. My eyes shot up, and a new text appeared. Immediately, my face fell.  
‘I wish I could believe you.’  
Oh god. ‘Dan?’ I texted him, but no response. I heaved myself off my bed and started speed walking out.  
‘Dan, please tell me you’re okay though’ I tried again. As I left my house I began to speed up, breaking out into a jog, and then soon into a run.  
My phone remained clasped in my hand as I continued fruitlessly texting him. Oh god oh god. Please respond, Dan. Please.  
Then I reached his house, and I saw a small letter taped to the door. I looked around, but the driveway was empty. His parents were gone. I turned back, and realized the note had my name on it.  
I ripped it open and began to read.

‘Dear Phil,  
Fuck you.  
Fuck you for making me believe you when you said you love me,  
And fuck you for caring.  
Fuck you for never staying in your own business,  
And fuck you for trying.  
Fuck you for not being able to handle my fucked up life,  
And fuck me for expecting you to.  
Fuck me for being weak,  
And fuck me for being different.  
I’m sorry.  
I’m sorry about my plain brown hair,  
And I’m sorry for my stupid posh accent.  
I’m sorry for breaking like this,  
And I’m sorry you had to be a part of it.  
I’m sorry for drowning in my thoughts,  
And I’m sorry for dragging you down with me.  
Thank you.  
Thank you for sticking with me,  
And thank you for making me smile.  
Thank you for at least telling me you loved me,  
And thank you for being there for me.  
Thank you for staving off the inevitable,  
And thank you for giving me a reason to have lived.  
Thank you for everything you’ve done.

So to you, Philip Michael Lester,  
I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry.’

Oh god.


	10. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's suicide attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering, the happy ending comes in the next chapter! Sorry, I guess I dragged it out a bit. I just like to write angst!

DAN’S POV  
I stood there, still leaning on the door. My body trembled with each cautious breath that I took. This was it. This had to be it. My whole life, I’ve been trying to keep my head above water, struggling against the tides of fate. It was too late. I’d made one too many mistakes, and now I had lost everything.  
Everything I worked for, everything Phil did, all that money my parents wasted on me. Gone. My eyes closed as I began to straighten.  
“Dan? We’re leaving.” My mom said as she and my dad brushed past me. “Straighten up. Act more normal, you fuck.”  
I gave a brief nod, not caring where they went. It didn’t matter. I’ll die as I lived. Alone. God, I’m ungrateful. How long had Phil been there for me, and yet I felt alone. I guess I owed him something, a sort of goodbye. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. Why I did it, what my thoughts were.  
I sat down at my desk, staring at a blank sheet of paper. My last words to Phil. My hand stiffened on the pencil I held, as my mind swam with things to write.  
A million words, a million apologies. My life. All of a sudden, my hand began to move swiftly across the white, different feelings spilling out in front of me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Hell, I didn’t have to.  
I wrote and wrote, finally reaching the end. I paused and looked at it. This was it. A drop fell onto the base of the note, and as I registered it, I realized I had started to cry.  
Hurriedly, I moved back to the front door, grabbing the tape as I went. Phil, I’m really going to miss you. I kissed the letter before attaching it to the door and smiled sadly. At least he would have closure.  
As I sluggishly dragged myself back to my room, my phone vibrated.  
‘Dan, honey? Are you okay?’ Then, almost immediately after, ‘I love you so much’  
Phil. Always Phil, there to stop me. He didn’t have to do this anymore. I would be gone, and he would be free.  
‘I wish I could believe you.’ I replied honestly, because what was the point in a filter?  
I threw my phone to my bed as more and more texts came. Quickly moving into the bathroom, I find my razor again before hesitating. I had to do this. Have the courage to do what you never could. Prove yourself just once.  
With that, the blade hit my wrists as I slid down the wall. My mind went blank at the pain, blissful silence. Almost like yesterday. I half-expected Phil to come in.

And then he did.

PHIL’S POV  
Oh god. I drop the note as I run into the empty house. Without thinking I know where to go. Where else? I barge into his room, darting for the bathroom door. It flung open, and there he sat. Blood trickled down his arms as his glazed chocolate eyes drifted up to meet mine.   
I was at his side in a second, looking over his injuries. I was shocked. There was more blood than there had been last time. My hands twitched, at a loss for what to do.  
“Oh god, okay. Okay. We can get through this, it’s okay. It is okay. Dan, do you hear me?” My words came out in a rapid string, my voice breaking.  
“Phil…” Dan breathed out as my eyes widened. “I love you.”  
His eyelids began to droop. “Dan, no! Come on, honey, it’s okay!” I struggled to keep him awake.  
His voice got so quiet, I could barely hear him. “Thank you.”  
His whole body relaxed, and I tensed. There was a beat of stillness, and then I started screaming.   
“HELP! HELP! PLEASE” My hand fumbled clumsily for my phone, which I’d dropped as I came in. 999! I need to call an ambulance.  
I stumbled over my words, but they must have understood because an ambulance arrived in a few minutes. I was still babbling slightly, in shock as I saw them load him into the vehicle. They offered me to come with them, and I nodded. My eyes never left him.  
An hour later, I still sat in the waiting room. I hadn’t called anyone, in retrospect I should have. But my mind still couldn’t wrap itself around what had happened. I think they notified Dan’s parents. I wasn’t sure, they hadn’t shown up. I stared at the pure white tiled floor, barely registering as a doctor came in.  
“Mr. and Mrs. Howell?” I stood up and told him they weren’t here, but I had brought him in.  
“Well, it seems like he’ll make it. You found him just in time. He’s lost some blood, but we can hope for a full recovery.” I breathed a sigh of relief.  
“Can I see him?” Part of me was unsure I wanted to see him like that.  
“Of course, but he’s not awake right now. May be a day or two until he does.” Dan’s doctor explained.  
Cautiously, I walked into Dan’s room. He looked pale, and he was hooked on to multiple different things. But, as I happily noted, he was alive. I took a moment to take in the soft beep of his heart monitor. Sinking into the chair next to him, I smiled.  
I started talking. I don’t know why, but I did.   
“Dan. Don’t scare me like that. I was so worried about you. I’m so glad you’re okay, though. You mean the world to me. I just wish you knew that. Wow. It’s been a tough day. I just really hope you get better though, okay? I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you. God, do I love you. So much. Sometimes I almost don’t believe it how much, but then I look at you and I know. I want to be with you. Forever. I could never hate you, ever. I don’t care about how fucked up you think you are. I’m going to show you you’re perfect. I just need you to get better now.”  
My eyes closed as I took a deep breath. “Please.”


	11. I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finale, happy ending!!!

PHIL'S POV  
The next day, I nervously pat my leather jacket and checked my fringe for the fourth time. I entered the hospital with an aura of confidence, covering my uncertainty inside. I stopped in front of Dan's door and took a deep breath, adjusting the pink roses in my hand.  
Alright. You can do this. One step at a time.  
I stared at the door a bit, before reaching out to turn the handle. The door swung open and a doctor walked out, almost running into me. Embarrassed, I began to stutter.  
"Err, I-I... I'm sorry, I was-" I rambled, not sure of what to say.  
"It's fine. Are you here to see the patient? Perfect timing, he's just about waking up."  
I passed him and entered the room.  
"Dan..." I breathed, looking at his face, framed by his soft brown curls.  
His eyes began to flutter open, and he slowly noticed me there.  
"Phil!" He whispered weakly, smiling for a second before his face fell. "I'm so sorry. God, I'm sorry. I was being stupid, I just-"  
I interrupted his panicked speech by softly repeating his name. He stopped and stared at me, worry clouding his features.  
"Dan, it's okay. I understand, and I love you. Just, tell me next time you feel like that." He looked down, biting his lip in shame.  
I bent down, lifting his chin to look at me. "I love you."  
His lips lifted slightly at the corners. "I love you too."  
His eyes lit up as he saw the flowers. I smirked as I slid a rose into his hair.  
"What did I do to deserve you?" He asked, sounding genuine.  
"You're here." I replied seriously. "You're here, you're you, and you're perfect."  
He smiled, and after a while we decided to go out to get a snack (with the permission of the doctor, and the promise of being brisk).  
All through, he picked at his food, seeming hesitant. We chatted as normal, but I could tell he still felt down. And this time, I would be damned if I let him go through it alone.  
"How do you feel?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Ah, fi-" he paused, seeing my skeptical face. "I'll get through it."  
I eyed him a bit more, before standing up with purpose. He leaned back in surprise, giving me a strange look.  
"Throw away your wrappers. We're leaving."  
His eyes widened even more. "Okay... um, where?"  
I grinned and cocked my head. "I have something to show you." 

DAN'S POV  
When I first woke up, I was terrified. Terrified of what Phil would say, of what I would do. I was terrified at the future.  
Surprisingly, Phil didn't seem to be upset at me. After all I put him through, he took me out for a snack. I felt bad, and could barely touch my food. My appetite was less than subpar at that point. Still, it was kind of nice to be back to normal with Phil.  
Unfortunately, Phil being Phil, of course he picked up on it.  
"How do you feel?" He said, giving me a 'I-swear-to-god-no-bullshit' sort of look.  
"Ah, fi-" I stopped myself. I couldn't lie anymore. "I'll get through it."  
To my surprise, he shot up and told me to clean up. Apparently, we were leaving.

A few minutes later, we were walking along the sidewalk. Well, Phil was speed walking as I hurried to keep up. His eyes were darting around as if looking for something. I frowned, replaying our conversation to pinpoint what that was.  
"Phil-" I started, but was cut off, with Phil's arm snaking around my waist.  
Suddenly, he burst into a grin and blurted out an "Aha!"  
I whipped back and realized where we were. Phil had walked us straight to my favorite pastel store.  
"What?" I muttered under my breath in disbelief. I hadn't been here in a month, and Phil didn't often come with me.  
Phil's grin grew as he pulled me into the store, immediately pulling things off of the shelf. He pushed me into the changing room. Looking over the clothes, I was amazed. Phil had grabbed a breathtaking sky blue jumper, lilac skinny jeans, and a midnight flower crown. It took me about a second before I started pulling them on. I gazed at the mirror, still shocked at the clothes. The soft lilac jeans, paired off with the bright blue jumper. Then my eyes drifted further upward, and my jaw clenched as I stared at my reflection. All this, wasted on me? Checking the price, I gasped. No way would I let Phil buy this for me.  
He's already done more than I deserve. Just then, Phil slipped through the curtains and wrapped his arms around my waist.  
"Do you like it?" He asked.  
"The clothes look beautiful."  
"You look beautiful." He said firmly, and I looked away. "Dan. Look at your reflection. Your chocolate brown curls, cinnamon eyes, tan skin. You look gorgeous." I followed his direction, before pivoting around and hugging him tightly.  
"I love it."  
"Good, because I just bought it." He said cheekily.  
I pulled away to say something, but he beat me to it. "Whoop! Too late, no refunds. I wanted to buy it." 

Later that day, we were cuddling on his couch. It was silent for a while, and I realized he had turned to look at me again. I gave him a strange look.  
"Why are you staring like that?" I say, with a hint of defense.  
"I love you so much."  
And for the first time in forever, my smile is genuine as I say:  
"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, me again! I was just wondering: if I wrote another short (1-2 chapter) kind of angsty fic and/or a small collection of fluff oneshots, would you read them?


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